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Dead At 31

From Cancer

View my profile: ptolemy_booth

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Change

I don't get it.

How does one end up well adjusted? Is it bestowed upon them in a magical ceremony, or does it come from growing up in a "normal" family? Is it learned independently of people, or by their willingness to help you figure it out?

I go through life with this purpose: to be the best that I can for myself, and for everyone around me. But, is it purpose that keeps you in line, that keeps you striving for that seemingly unattainable goal of adjustedness? It has to be. I mean, that's what keeps me going. Most days, I don't want to get out of bed, and repeatedly mash my snooze button until the alarm goes away, and I can get back to my fucked up dreamscape. (And, by fucked up, I mean completely awesome.) Other days, I'm ready and willing to get my ass in gear, to tackle the day and accomplish what needs to be done. It's hanging onto that motivation that's the problem.

I still haven't quite gotten the hang of being energetic, of being driven. All throughout my life, I've wished that I would push myself more. I don't want to end up like my father, whose life is no longer his own. I don't see him very often, and haven't since I was very young, so I've had to pretty much replace him with other male influences. Some good, and some not so good, and some that are just plain bad. But, from all of them, I've found that their goals keep them moving.

Maybe that's my problem, that I don't have super-solid goals. The biggest thing I've got right now is getting out of Oklahoma. I want to be in California, and I have for a very long time. It just seems... right. Like it's where I belong. Doing what, I'm not sure, and I'm really not even sure that I can make it out there when I want to, but I'm trying. It's what I tell myself, that I'll get there if I just try my hardest. That's my motivation. Some people encourage me with no other reason than that they want to; others question my motives, wondering why I would choose there, or asking how I could leave my family and friends and everything familiar to me behind.

Change is necessary, and needed, and it's what I want.

OH MY PORK

So, yesterday was my birthday party. It was fantastic! Everyone brought food, there was much alcohol and a hot tub, and we ended it with Guitar Hero. I couldn't have asked for a better gathering. :)

Here're some highlights from the day~

In the process of making a pie yesterday afternoon, before the party, I did this:

And THIS is the crowning glory...The Mother 3 Handbook! I've got a huge hardon for anything EarthBound/Mother related, so this... this is amazing. Thank you again, David!

Here's a shot of the covers; the one on the left is the dustcover, and the one on the right is the actual cover:

Here's the poster on the back side of the cover:

Adventures suck sometimes :(

This'll be brief, due to my being mobile at the mo'.

I spent all of last week stranded in Edmond, due to my car hating me and Will offering to help repair it. What I thought was going to be a weekend of us working on the car turned into a week of making sure we hadn't broken anything! But, we did accomplish what we set out to, so I'm grateful. :)
What I didn't enjoy was Denae's standoffishness, her apparent inability to cope with reality without drugs, and Will's placation of her to the point that he's emotionally submissive yet subversive.
Now, believe me, I'm no pillar of mental stability, but being Empathic allows me a certain sense for these things. If you can't handle life without needing to chemically alter your perception of everything, then how can you really LIVE your life...? I posit this question not only for my benefit, but for the benifit of those I love and care for deeply.

The car's running just fine now, with the help of a very friendly man named Johnny. He's a GM Certified Tech, and was able to properly re-time my beast with no issue! I just wish the whole ordeal hadn't've been fraught with so much tension and discomfort. My hope is that we all have learned something from this, and that we grow towards being better people.

I hate you all, too.

Fuck this guy for writing it, and fuck Maya for stealing it, but fuck you if you don't read it.

"I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.
I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.
Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.
Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.
Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.
Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.
Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.
Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.
Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.
I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it."

I'm on a Boat

motherfucker, and don't you ever forget!

I'm glad things've been going so well lately, and for those that've been touched by that Hand of Fate. But, you still pick your own path, no matter how you're told you should follow it.

For those that've had it rough, I offer my condolences. There's light on the other side of that mountain... so keep climbing! :)

Ugh

The weekend has gone fine, but... I just want it to be simple again.